Thoughts On Forgiveness
- Aug 28, 2025
- 8 min read
Updated: May 9
28th August 25 l Ava J Dearden
Forgiveness; A beautiful release, a chain breaker, a peace maker, a reconciler and a healer.
"Forgiveness is a powerful display of love for the one being forgiven and is a release from anger and bitterness for the one who forgives" ~ UnknownWhat is forgiveness?
I used to believe that saying "sorry," or " I forgive you," would somehow make everything ok. But that is so very far from the truth. Forgiveness, if it is allowed to run it's full course heals the offended and the offender. It restores faith and depending on many factors, can lead to the reconciliation of broken relationships.
Forgiveness is a journey, and depending on how deeply some one has hurt us, it can take days, weeks, months or even years to fully heal. Forgiveness isn't a one time event, it's a process with no defined ordered steps or set stages.
How God wants us to forgive
God freely offers us forgiveness of sins and He commands believers extend this same grace to others. God warns us of the possible consequences of harbouring anger and bitterness. He wants us to forgive and settle our differences quickly.
Colossians 3:13 - Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.
1 Peter 3:9 - Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.
But forgiving some one isn't always easy
Consumed with painful emotions, reeling from the effects of being betrayed in some way, the command to forgive can be a bitter pill to swallow. Without God, His closeness, prayer, faith, trust in His goodness and supernatural deliverance, it would be impossible.
Jesus understands our every struggle. He is our guide, our advocate, counsellor and healer. Psalm 46:1 - God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
Jesus knows how it feels to be betrayed
His own family called Him crazy. He was slandered, deserted, suffered physical, emotional and spiritual torture and was eventually killed by His own people. But still, even in His suffering He cried out "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." He still went to the cross to cover the sins for all of humanity.
Isaiah 53:3 - He (Jesus) was despised and rejected— a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care.
Jesus is for us, not against us
God's requirement for us to forgive, can sometimes feel like He cares more for the offender than the one who has been hurt. But that simply isn't true. His Word tells us that He is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit. God does not show favouritism, He loves all of His creation and calls for unity in the Spirit among believers.
Psalm 34:18 - The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Acts 10:34 - Then Peter began to speak: “I now realize how true it is that God does not show favouritism.
Ephesians 4:3 - And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
If the offender is truly repentant and wants to put things right... if we refuse to forgive, we are not only hindering our own healing but theirs too.
How do we know if we have forgiven someone?
What I have come to understand, is that we are on our way to overcoming the battle against our struggle with unforgiveness once we fully comprehend what is, and what it is not.
It's about obedience. Walking closely with God and having a right heart before Him - God's commands are for our own good. He knows the destructive power behind unforgiveness. He draws closer to us as we continuously ask Him for help to overcome the many obstacles on the road to forgiving another.
James 4:8 - Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
It's knowing that God will deal justly with the offender - as we hand over our innate desire to seek revenge. God is able to settle accounts more wisely and with greater compassion than us finite human beings, who for the most cannot control our tongues or emotions.
Romans 12:19 - Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.
It's about letting go, wanting to move forward and to heal - living with bitterness and anger in our hearts not only pleases the devil, but it will eventually destroy us from the inside.
Hebrews 12:15 - See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled;
It's about not wanting to feel bitterness or resentment towards the offender- we are called to love and forgive others. This is generally not an easy place to be, to want good things for some one who has hurt us deeply. This stage of the journey towards forgiving another can take time. Only through prayer and God's grace is it possible.
John 13:34 - “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
How do we know when the journey
to forgive is complete?
We no longer hold any feelings of bitterness or resentment towards the offender. We wish them well in their endeavours. The painful memories become scars rather than open wounds and we are ready to move on or reconcile.
It does not by itself rebuild trust - rebuilding trust takes time, even if the offender says they are sorry. While God loves those with a repentant heart, for the offended, an apology may be appreciated but it is usually insufficient to fix broken trust, especially while the hurt is still raw. Consistent behavioural changes and a genuine understanding of the pain inflicted is a start.
Psalm 118:8 - It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in humans.
It does not give automatic entitlement to reconciliation - falsely believing that reconciliation is a necessary part of forgiveness may be a hurdle too many for someone who already struggles to forgive. If it is God's will that the friendship/relationship remains intact, but one or both parties want to separate in order to fully heal and move on, then it is God Himself who will make a way for them to stay in contact. He will, in His perfect timing restore the love between them.
It is not absolving the offender of the offense - God is loving, full of kindness and mercy but He is a just, righteous judge. We can know that sin does not go unpunished. Whatever He chooses as chastisement for the believer, or punishment for the none saved, either in this life or the next is in His mighty Hands. Ultimately He is the one who will avenge us.
Deuteronomy 32:35 - "It is mine to avenge; I will repay. In due time their foot will slip; their day of disaster is near and their doom rushes upon them.”
It does not transpose the forgiver into a door mat - Forgiveness does not equal stupidity. We are called to be as wise as serpents and as gentle as doves.
Matthew 10:16 - “Look, I am sending you out as sheep among wolves. So be as shrewd as snakes and harmless as doves."
It does not entitle the offender to continue with abusive behaviours - The Bible is very clear, God does not want us to stay in abusive or harmful situations. Remaining in the presence of unrepentant Christians or none believers can be detrimental to our physical, spiritual, mental and emotional health. Their behaviours could potentially influence us in an ungodly way, stirring up feelings of anger, resentment or revenge among other unrighteous emotions.
Psalm 1:1 - Oh, the joys of those who do not follow the advice of the wicked, or stand around with sinners, or join in with mockers.
Looking inward...why we may struggle to forgive
Why do we sometimes struggle to forgive another?
Is it that we can't, won't or don't want to? Being truthful, for me, the difficulty, the internal pain and pressure that I feel taking that step towards saying "I forgive this person," is partly because of my own sin. It's not necessarily that I can't forgive but that I don't want to forgive because...
"I don't forgive you because"..." you have hurt my pride in some way." Pride is still a sin that may go undetected until God opens our eyes to the truth of it. "How dare you do this to me, am I not good enough," is just one example and reasoning for unforgiveness.
It's humbling to see that we aren't perfect either - We don't have to battle for God's forgiveness, we just ask from a repentant heart and the slate is wiped clean. I'm not for one moment saying that if some one wrongs us in some way that it's our fault - God will deal with the offender justly. I'm talking about taking the log out of our own eyes, coming clean before The Lord. When we see that we sin too, every single day against a Holy God, it can help us to forgive others and if we are acting unjustly, to call out our self righteous behaviours for what they really are.
Why I wrote this blog - I am still on a personal journey...
...and I was beating myself up. I believed that I wasn't worthy of God's forgiveness because I was struggling to forgive. My lack of understanding gave the enemy a doorway to my mind, his accusations and condemnation. I didn't know what it meant to forgive. So I called out to The Lord, He heard my cry and we are working it out together with His Holy Spirit, my guiding light.
Forgiving takes time...
Have I forgiven?
Yes. I have made a conscious effort and decision to forgive. I have declared to God that I want to heal and to not hold any resentment or bitterness towards the offender. I have asked Jesus to help me.
Am I still struggling with bitterness and anger?
Yes.. and does my mind still replay the offence over and over? Sometimes yes. But every time I pray to God to help me, to take the pain away. He does and He also helps me to think on all things good, beautiful and honourable so that I can work on renewing my mind.
Am I on the road to healing?
Yes. I do believe that I am, but it's a long and winding road.
Do I want to reconcile and put myself in a painful situation again?
No. Reconciliation... I leave that to God.
Do I still feel resentment or bitterness towards the offender?
Mostly no. But I have to be mindful and ask God for help if the thoughts of the offences come to mind.
Do I see a future reconciliation?
Yes. I know the miraculous works that God does in a broken, untrusting heart.
Do I still beat myself up?
Mostly no. And I know that God is well pleased with me for trying my best.
Do I still love the person who has hurt me?
Yes, somewhere inside. Love is endless when it's through Christ Jesus.
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